Defamer

· Corey Haim spent an entire segment of The Two Coreys surfing the Defamer comment section and walked away emotionally damaged. But darker days are looming ahead.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to the Chosen Twins! No wait, it was just another false alarm.
· McLovin and some starlets, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some little McLovins in a baby carriage! But wait, watch out for that lightning storm!
· Madonna's frosty marriage to Guy Ritchie came thisclose to breaking down this week when reports surfaced that she's been fielding grounders from New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. And Lenny Kravitz has something to do with it.
· Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. But don't fret! There's a Friends movie on the way (maybe).
· We wished the happiest of happy birthdays to Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise.
· We busted out our long lost graphing calculator and got all scientific on your asses by examining the comedic rise and fall of Mike Myers.
· Nude Nicole Kidman vs. the fully clothed Katie Holmes proved to be an uneven fight.
· Fanboys from sea to shining sea creamed their collective jeans when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green. Brett Ratner called dibs and already has some erotic literature ready for their first date.
· Denise Richards carefully explained to her 13-year-old nephew exactly what a threesome is.
· At long last, anal lubricant got the recognition it so justly deserves.

And with that, we are out. Have a happy and safe Fourth Of July, we'll see you on Monday!

Happy Fourth On A Stick!

· Happy Fourth of July everyone! Here's some Midwest Americana goodness, deep-fried and skewered, the way it's served up best. [YouTube]
· Bozo is dead. Long live Bozo! [AP]
· "I'm Coyote Shivers: Rapist, kidnapper, and ex-husband of NCIS star Pauley Perrette. And this is my show." [starcrazytruestory]
· These are men who look like Zach Braff. Some more than others. [menwholooklikezachbraff.blogspot.com]
· Bert and Ernie get krunked up in this bitch. [YouTube]

The Defamer Guide To The Whole Madonna / A-Rod / Lenny Kravitz Situation

In Honor Of His 46th, Tom Cruise In His Birthday Suit!

We'd be remiss if we let the day slip by without offering some fond birthday wishes to not-quite-born-on-the-Fourth-of-July Tom Cruise, who turns 46-intense-years-old today. In his honor, we offer a revisiting of one of his most memorable, if uncharacteristic, screen turns, as a masquerade-orgy-seeking physician in Stanley Kubrick's Eyes Wide Shut. In this trailer (homemade or Euro-cut, we're not sure), Cruise nakedly seduces his then-wife and naked-co-star, Naked Kidman. Happy birthday, Tom!

• TomCruise.com

PETA Would Rather Tinker With Sharon Stone's Brain Than Wear Fur

Even The Lure Of Christie Brinkley In The Next Room Won't Prevent This Man From Jerking Off To Internet Porn

Busty Heart's Got Six-Pack-Flattening, 48-Double-G Talent

America's Got Talent last night featured the truly unique talents of a one Miss Busty Heart—a beloved mainstay on the stripper circuit for decades now, according to her must-visit website—whose act consists of slamming the two bean-bag chairs hanging from her chest onto a variety of rigid objects, thusly inflicting unspeakable damage. In doing so, she managed to shock the studio audience—including Jerry Springer, who you'd figure would have seen an act like this by now. It was all fun and games until she insisted on outdoing herself with a grand finale the judges wouldn't soon forget; unfortunately, she had never tested the "railroad spike through a cinder block" trick before, resulting in an instant gusher that coated the horrified studio audience in a fine misting of 22-year-old silicone filler.

Watch her uncensored act after the jump!

Matt Damon's Weight Gain Puts Him In The Running For 'Sexiest Schlub Alive'

'Rachael Ray Show' Overrun By Litigious Aneroxics

In what will easily go down as the Most Insane Legal Filing of the Long Weekend, a male employee at The Rachael Ray Show has named producer CBS and several other staffers in a legal filing seeking $1.5 million in damages for anorexia discrimination. From TMZ:

Admitted anorexic Aaron Ferguson just filed suit in Manhattan, alleging that his boss — the "Rachael" accountant — slammed the show's executive-in-charge, Priscilla Taussig, as "too skinny to do her job," demeaned anorexics as "sick in the head," and even commented, "Did you see Priscilla today ... all you can see are her sickly bones."

Harlow Madden Has A "Big, Pasty Head"; Britney's "Ass Is Growing A Beard"

Seth MacFarlane Takes First Step Towards Alienating His Stoner Frat Boy Audience

Bravo TV Provides A Historic Solution To All Your Anal Lubricant Needs

Ellen Page Hoping Endeavor Can Make Her More Famous

· In a defection sure to cause at least one WMA partner to disembowel their assistant, then themselves, with the nearest People's Choice Award, Ellen Page has left the agency for Endeavor's Ariesque embrace. All-purpose power-lesbian Kelly Bush will continue to oversee management and publicity duties. [Variety]
· Apparently there's a shortage of prestige material so far for the 2008 Oscar race, but that could change just as soon as the Academy drastically alters the rules to give Camp Rock full eligibility in all categories. [Variety]

Hollywood Privacywatch: Eli Roth Sucks Face At 'The Happening'

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Eli Roth sucking face with a teenager when he should've been watching Schindler's List The Happening.

In today's installment: Cameron Diaz, Katherine Heigl, Vince Vaughn, Pam Anderson, Sharon Stone, Dave Chappelle, Corey Feldman, Jonah Hill, Eric Mabius, Eli Roth, Pete Wentz, Dane Cook, Fabio, Tim Robbins, Bo Derek, Bret McKenzie, Lucy Liu, Tara Reid, Rachel Zoe, JC Chasez, T.R. Knight, Jonny Lee Miller and Angelyne!

Shockingly, Rumer Willis Fails To Seduce Chace Crawford

The Gyllenhaal Is Very Excited

As your mind has likely already checked out for the long weekend, and is far away gnawing on a corndog and oohing and aahing the dazzling detonations dancing across your TV screen courtesy of XBox 360's Fireworks Tycoon, we thought we'd tax it as little as possible today. Perfect solution: A&E's Corey Vs. Corey, an online game in which the original bromance partners—now mortal enemies—fight each other in a sort of Mortal-Flameout Kombat.